I'm starting to have a lot of nightmares again. Most of them are about my family. They started again when I went to see my brothers. While it was a wonderful visit, just being with them and reliving memories with them (we tried to mainly only remember happy memories) seemed to bring up all the ugliness in my subconscious.
This morning I had another nightmare. I accidentally fell asleep when I got back home from dropping my partner off at work. My dream was so real that I did not even realize that I was sleeping until my cat woke me up from crying because I had rolled onto her.
In my dream, I was living at home again. I was having a wonderful day at home alone. I had cleaned all the house and I felt really good about it. However, when Mother and Dad came home, it all changed. For some unknown reason, they decided to become suspicious of me. They decided to go through all of my things to find something that I was hiding from them. Mother started going through everything in my room, including all receipts and notes I had lying around. (I'm a messy person and I tend to keep those things for about a week until I get around to throwing them away.)
My dream had mixed with the real happenings in my life, which is probably why it felt so real. In my real life, I went on a splurge at Gap last week. The sweaters were on sale and I bought several nice and professional sweaters and some hoodies. In my dream, Mother found that receipt and was angry that I had not told her about my purchases. Now mind you, I was my real age in the dream: mid 20's. I remember trying to reassure her that the purchases were conservative and something they would approve. She still was not appeased. I was fed up with her, so I went into the living room.
In the living room, I found my Dad, who was also going through my things. My Dad is usually the sensible one of the pair. However, he had found my hidden box (that I actually have). In that box is my current journal as well as a scrapbook I made for my ex. My Dad found the scrapbook and was going through it. At first, he was saying, "Aw this is so sweet." But next he started getting aggressive. He started accusing me of lying to them. He then uttered the statement, "I bet that is where you go every day at 3 o'clock is to meet up with him." I tried to protest, saying that I actually do go to work at 3 o'clock every day and not to see him. However, my Dad was not buying it and set down the rule: I was not allowed to go out of the house again.
I hit my breaking point when my Dad declared that I was not leaving the house again. I started screaming at him, telling him that I actually had broken up with my ex like I had told them before and that he did not even live in the same state anymore. Of course, they were not buying it and insisted even stronger that I was going to be locked in the house. I snapped with the idea of being locked in the house again against my will. I stormed out of the house. I'm sure they thought I was the same weak girl that I always have been, but this time I had found strength. I decided it was time to escape.
It turns out, that escaping was extremely dangerous and difficult. After I ran out of the house, I kept running all the way to a factory that was closed for the evening. There, I met a few others that were willing to make the journey to escaping. We had to move quickly as they were already searching for us. We left the factory just as they started searching the factory. It was unclear whether they were just searching the factory just as a routine or someone had notified that we were gone.
We had to gather supplies for our escape or we would most certainly not survive. I had to sneak back into my parent's house to gather supplies. I was successful and had gotten as much food and warm clothing as I could carry. I got out of the house successfully and looked back on the house that held all of my family and everyone I loved for one last time. My heart was saying goodbye to all of it. The happy memories along with the terrible memories. During my silent goodbyes, I rolled onto my cat in my sleep and woke up.
While this was just a dream, I think this was my subconscious talking to me. It was my subconscious wishing my teenage self had taken the long and dangerous journey out. It was my subconscious wishing I had the strength to stand up for myself. It was also my subconscious telling me that I do now finally have the strength that I did not have then. I did take the journey eventually, but I took the long and gradual journey and I lost so much of myself and my life through that journey. I have scars that will always be there because of the journey. I will have pain etched into my heart forever because of what I went through with my parents.
Maybe even one day I will be able to write about and even remember the real events. Until then, I'll be writing about my dreams and the emotional trauma I go through in my dreams. At least my heart finally got its goodbye to my family. While I may still be in "contact" with them, I lost the real friendship with them that was so precious to me. I will probably never be able to go back. I took the dangerous and long journey out and I severed all the relationships. I am better now for escaping, but my heart still bleeds from the goodbyes.
