My story begins when I was sixteen. By the time I was sixteen, my family had gone through some really really rough times. We were financially devastated, emotionally exhausted, and our family relationships had long gone down the drain, through the sewer, and out into the ocean. My parents had left many churches over the last couple years and moved us around the country repeatedly. I was left questioning everything I knew. My parents seemed to believe one thing at one church and then when they would leave they would tell us that they expected us to "discern" what was the truth (or what my dad thought was the truth). I hadn't had friends in years. Every time I had gotten close to any friends, we would have to move again. The only person I was really close to was my next older brother and he was having serious issues with "rebelling." He had actually left home for a bit and gone to a different state. By the time I was sixteen he had moved back in, if nothing else because he was broke. When I was sixteen, my dad finally got a semi-permanent job and we started to settle down and not move quite as much.
Although I loved the stability of actually having a home, I was bored out of my mind. My parents were on their no-churching streak so they viewed going to church as wrong. So we didn't go to church. The homeschool group in that area was too secular, so we didn't get involved in it. We didn't get involved in anything. The highlight of my day was being allowed to walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail and paper and then doing the Sudoku. The only time I left the house was to go grocery shopping with my mother or going to the library once a month. However, I was fed up with the library because I had read through all the books that my mother had approved and I was tired of having my mother tell me that the book I chose was no appropriate for me.
My brother found an extracurricular activity outside of the home that we will call "team building" to help protect my identity. He loved this activity and would be gone several days a week participating in it. I missed him terribly. I would literally cry and wait up for him at night because I was so lonely. One day, my brother decided that it would be great for me to try out for the activity as well. It took my parents forever to deliberate on whether it was appropriate for a girl to do an activity outside of the home. I remember writing multiple journal entries wondering if it was god's will that I do the activity. My parents decided that that activity was appropriate for me and I went one evening to try out for it. That evening would change me forever.
That evening I had something stirred in me that had never been stirred before. A guy flirted with me. I had no idea what to do and it made me blush and giggle. All the people at the activity were amused by my reaction.
That night, I wrote a really long journal entry about what I would do if this man asked me to be his girlfriend. A little bit of an overreaction? Now add to that that his man was probably 8 or 9 years older than me, which would have made any relations illegal. I didn't know how to control my emotions and I was feeling something I had never felt before. I was on a high and I was getting a sexual satisfaction over thinking about that one time the guy had flirted with me. I remember from that journal entry that I concluded that yes I could morally be his girlfriend. Now I realize how I think all my parents teaching never sunk in to me. Already at 16 I was willing to date instead of court and even date someone who was not a Christian! I don't think I ever bought my parents ideas, honestly. I think never buying into my parents' ideas was part of why I lacked morals overall. My parents never let us question anything and I knew that they weren't looking out for the best for us, they were only looking out for the best for their reputation. All moral teaching I was taught, I just combined with the other bullshit teachings and threw them all out the window.
I did make the tryouts for the activity and a few months later I was fully participating in it. I quickly made friends with those who were around my brother's and my age. I loved that time. I was learning for the first time how to be a friend. I was finally accepted for who I was. But I was also learning how socially awkward as well as innocent I was. I was hearing people talk about sex for the first time in my life. I still only knew the very basics of sex that my mother had told me: "the penis enters the vagina." I remember hearing one girl talking about how a piercing on a guy had torn her up inside by the movement and I was so curious as to how there was movement during sex. In fact, I didn't realize how there was movement in sex until the night I lost my virginity. I strictly thought the penis entered the vagina and bam sex was done. After only a couple months participating in the activity, I wanted boys' attention and I wanted to be less innocent.
Here's a few of my journal entries from around that time:
"August 18 2008
"I am an average height 17-year-old with medium long black hair and brown eyes.
"At this point in my life I am about the happiest I have ever been, at least most of the time. Sometimes i think this is also the saddest time of my life. I certainly cry alot.
"But never before have I had friends I am so close to and who I can talk so freely with. Never before have I had friends who would stand by me in all times and who also need me at times. Often I can't even believe it. And yet sometimes it seems like they also bring heartache. I have come to believe every true friend will make you cry at some point, at least if you are a girl.
"I still often feel awkward and out of place with alot of people, but things are getting better. I still want to cry when I see boyfriends with their girlfriends, but I am starting to get over it. I have to be content the way I am before things can change. I still feel unattractive and uninteresting. I still long for a boyfriend but i am starting to wonder if I will ever have one. I have just had to be honest with myself with that one. The way I grew up totally f*cked my younger years up. Because of that I am often stupidly ignorant. Who wants to date an ignorant girl? Mother and Dad say they would let me love someone, but in practice they really wouldn't. Who wants to have to deal with my parents? No one so far. Between that and learning how innocent I am, no one wants to love me or anything like that.
"I wonder what most people would think if they learned that I have never been kissed? I mean, I think most people can tell. I'll never forget the night Guy3 told me to call him. Mother and Dad were out of town so when I got home I called him. We talked about our day and and then he asked me if I had ever been kissed. When i told him no he was very surprised. He couldn't believe it. That night he was telling me how he wished he could have a backrub. He jokingly told me I should walk to his house. I now know what he wanted. I really can't believe I. I can't believe he actually liked me that much. I think the fact that I had never been kissed before kinda scared him off. I really can't believe either that he would have cheated on Girlfriend2. He loves that girl so much. Oh god I want to cry even now when I think of the chance I passed by. Why didn't we go through with it? Why was I stupid and shy? Why do I still have to be so f*cking innocent? Oh god will I ever have a chance again? I haven't since then and there is no chance in the near future except maybe with J*** and I certainly don't want that! Today as I realize more and more what J*** wanted and what a one in a million opportunity I had, I just want to go crazy. I am about to cry because now he has Girlfriend2. Now neither him nor I would ever do that to her. No girl with any self respect could let her friend's boyfriend cheat with her."I saw any guy paying any attention to me as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I sincerely thought that I might NEVER have a chance again with ANY guy.
Within about a month of the time of that entry I had had my first kiss. Once again, I don't think I was really attracted to the guy or even really liked him. I saw it as a great honor for any guy to pay any attention to me. I was so nervous about the kiss that I threw up afterward. That night, I don't think I daydreamed about the guy. Only that I finally had had a kiss. I still saw myself as so undesirable that I thought after that night the guy would never talk to me again.
"August 28, 2008
"So Guy1 is telling me that I need to find someone that can give me what I need. He says it doesn't have to be anything serious. He says it will help me. I totally agree at least in theory, but my question is who would be willing to give me what I need? Who on earth would be willing to put up with my stress and drama? And my clingy-ness? Oh god I wish I knew what to do!""Who would be willing to give me what I need?" I had so little respect for myself that I though I would be lucky if I could even get one guy to break my innocence. I wasn't even looking for a guy to be my boyfriend or to love me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought no one would ever love me. I doubt I even knew what love was at that point. My parents "loved" me and I wanted as far away from that as possible.
"[No date]
"No one cares. No one really wants to be my friend. Why did I ever think that they would? Why did I think I was good enough for them? No I'm just a f*cking homeschooled brat who needs to go back to her shell and not feel anything. Not care if she is treated like nothing. Not care if she's ignored. Why did I think they were my friends? They don't care for me. They don't care if I never come back. They don't care if they never see me again. Why did I ever come out of my f*cking shell? Why? Why? They don't care for me. They abandoned me the first chance they got. But the facts are the facts and I need to accept them and move on. If they don't really care, then I need to tell them f*ck you and find some others. I need people! I need someone!I honestly don't know what happened that prompted that journal entry. Obviously, it was a very emotional outburst caused by something that had really hurt me. I still can remember the searing pain of those years. I mentioned there how I had finally opened my shell a little. Being turned down for me was the end of the world. I didn't know how to control my feelings. I didn't know how to express my feelings to others. I didn't know how to tell them that my feelings were hurt without lashing out on them and trying to burn all bridges. I was so emotionally dysfunctional and it was so extremely painful for me.
The journal entries stop for the most part there for the next couple months. Over the next couple months, I started texting Guy1 long into the night. Finally one thing led to another, and we had sex one night. I lost my virginity the first night I saw a real human adult penis. I lost my virginity without ever having kissed the guy. I lost my virginity to Girlfriend1's boyfriend. She was also my friend. I wrote about the night that I lost my virginity but I don't think it's very appropriate for anywhere except a porn site. I'll put one thing I wrote: "It made me feel like I was worth something a special to have him looking at me." I thought I was using him. I thought I was using him because I was willing to finally break my innoncence. My innocence was something my parents protected so strongly but was something I saw as a curse. I thought that was what made me so different from everyone else. I thought I wasn't worth anyone's time, much less love. I knew he loved someone else and I knew it was wrong. I think there was something in me that thought he was "safe" because he wouldn't love me. I wouldn't have to go through the pain of rejection because it was only physical.
To be continued.
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