This is a continued story of my sexual experience as a young adult in a patriarchal home. This second part is hard for me to write about because I feel great shame about my actions. Sometimes I want someone to tell me that what I did doesn't make me a bad person, but deep down I still feel like my sexual history makes me an awful person. What is hardest for me is that at the time it never crossed my mind that what I was doing wasn't honorable. I didn't value my body or my life. I treated myself like trash because I really thought I was trash. I was never treated as someone valuable, outside of my ability to produce godly children. Because I had started to reject all christianity, I rejected everything that I had been taught was valuable about me.
If you thought my first post was bad, just wait until the second part of my story. That's when my life started really unraveling. That's when it starts to show that I had no idea what morals even were. At the time, most of what I did didn't bother me or even strike me as wrong or even abnormal. I thought I was finally having a normal experience. My perception of the real world was so skewed. I thought I was just fitting in. Writing this second part is really baring my soul for the first time. There is not a single person that I have told my sexual story to, not even my partner. This is the first time my complete story has ever been told and it's scary for me.
I ended my last post with me loosing my virginity to Guy1, who was dating Girlfriend1. I still had a twisted idea of sex and love and relationships all being linked. Guy1 was "safe" for me because he wasn't in a relationship with me, but I also deep down wanted a relationship with him. I longed for a real boyfriend. I remember about a week after I lost my virginity to Guy1, Girlfriend1 (who was still my friend) called me and told me that Guy1 said he wanted to marry her. I was crushed and confused. How could he want to marry her while he was sneaking off to meet with me almost every night? This strange new world just didn't make sense to me. To add to my confusion, we continued messing around but Guy1 also tried to hook me up with other guys.
Within a month of loosing my virginity, I started messing around with Guy2, who Guy1 had hooked me up with. Within a couple weeks of meeting each other and the first time we were alone together, we had sex. I barely knew the guy. The next week or so I showered him with my loving and texts and thought I had forever with him. Honestly now looking back I am still embarrassed with myself for how fast I moved. Then one day he announced that he couldn't be in a relationship with me. I don't really remember all the reasons he cited to me but one that I remembered very well was that he knew my parent's wouldn't let that happen.
Guy2 had broken off any chance of a relationship with me but I was still desperate for attention. I was broken and took it really badly. However, Guy2 also had a drinking problem. The next weekend he got drunk and he decided he wanted to hang out with me. I felt obligated to give him sex because he was willing to hang out with me. I remember several occasions I did not want to have sex with him but had sex anyway because I thought he'd never hang out with me again if I didn't have sex with him. Over the next several months things continued the same. We weren't in a relationship but we'd hang out together and I'd give him sex. During these months, I began messing around with Guy1 again. I loved Guy1 more, but I knew Guy2 was more available.
I remember one day I really wanted to meet up with Guy1 but he was busy so I went with Guy2 instead. I strictly only wanted to hang out with Guy2 and not have sex. However, by this time Guy2 was used to our routine of hanging out and then having sex. I was laying in his bed with him when he started making sexual advances. I fought off his advances but they were of no avail. I don't know if he took me fighting off his advances as a game or if he really didn't care about me. My fighting off his advances didn't stop him. He was stronger than me. That day was the first time I truly felt myself dissociating. He did his thing while my mind left my body so not to feel the searing pain in my chest. That night I cried and cried and cried. Despite the experience, I didn't stop seeing Guy2 or even stop having sex with him. I think at that point the consensual part of the sex was out of the window with Guy2, though. He and I both didn't care if I wanted to have sex or not.
A couple months after loosing my virginity and loosing Guy2, Guy3 became single. I wrote about Guy3 before in some of my journal entries. Guy3 was one of the first guys I had a crush on and he was really close to me. When Guy3 became single, we started talking for real and especially talking about starting messing around. However, my parents had scheduled me to leave town for a couple weeks to help out some family members. These weeks fell right after Guy3 and I started talking about starting messing around. I left to the family member's house and before I came back Guy3 was dating another girl. I was crushed beyond measure. I didn't even know I was competing with another girl. I had thought he was truly interested in me. I took this rejection as sealing that something was wrong with me. When I came back, there was still a sexual charge between us and I ended up having sex with him despite his girlfriend.
Now enters the man who flirted with me during my tryouts for the activity. He started pursuing me again and somehow got my number. I still loved him flirting with me and it gave me a high. I thought we were going to be a relationship. We talked and texted and talked about meeting up. Then one day he posted pictures on Facebook of the girlfriend he had told me he had broken up with. I was devastated once again. I felt so tricked and disillusioned. During this time I was still keeping up with Guy1, Guy2, and Guy3.
My TV show is on now so I'm going to finish this another day. To be continued...
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