Personal Notes

Today was a rough day for me and I started going through my drawers. While going through my drawers, I found some notes I had written over the past year. I hope these letters provide a little insight into how I feel at times. I have changed the name of my significant other to Paul, which is not his real name. "Paul" in these letters are my significant other.

Note Number 1

Paul is angry for me AGAIN. This time, I'm not angry with him [I usually do get mad at him when he gets mad at me], I only hurt so much. The nightmares have started up again and I don't have anyone to help me through them. I'm all alone once again facing my demons. I never will be good enough for a man, will I? I'm just too awful a person for someone to love me. I'll never get that marriage I've watned for so long, will I?

I think what hurst the most is that with the coming of the fall, my depression is coming rushing back. I'm right on the brink of a giant abyss of hopelessness and I feel like there's no one there to pull me away. There's no one that really cares about me. There's n one there to tell me I'm going to be alright when I'm at my lowest point. There's no one there that cares when I am in screaming pain. Every time that I am at my lowest point, Paul and I fight.

Note Number 2

Angelica, why can't you be a better person? Why can't you keep track of all things? Why is it so hard to live with someone? I'm no longer living with my sisters who equally split everything. Now I have to be perfect all the time. I have to clean. I have to cook. I have to make all the decisions. I can no longer be messy or sick. I can no longer cry either. I used to love my life with Paul but now it's just so stressfull. I really can't keep up with it all. I have to do so many things to help him pluse work plus do everything by myself.

Note Number 3

I've worked so hard for so long to break free of the life I grew up with. I've worked so hard to not have to stress about my work schedule being changed or me getting off late. I've worked so hard to not have to outwardly explain to some why I can't do something that is completely normal to Americans.

I've lost a lt during this journey to be free. I've lost almost all my relationships with my family. I've lst almost all of my faith in Christianity. I've cried so many tears and felt so much pain through this journey.

Now, I feel like this long, hard journey has been for nothing. I'm back in the same awful position where I'm just an object to be used for someone else. This time it is in the name of Love instead of God, but it's the same game. My body is something awful that must be covered. My body is not my own and I can't say what hurts it or even what happens to it. My body is the possession of a man. I'm not trustworthy and I have to prove that at all times I'm not doing smething bad. I can't have friends. I can't have feelings or have a say. I can't say no to something. I can't leave the house because I can't be trusted. I've worked s hard for so many years t be free and now I'm living that exact same life again. I think there is no hope that I will ever have the life I dreamed.

I feel so many dreams smashed. I wanted a life with lve but without all the pain that I've felt for so many years. I had no idea that that wan't possible and now I feel so disallusioned. I feel llike all hope is gone. I have worked so hard only to find out it's not there. I have no hope of ever getting out.

So, is it true that I am just living in another hell with my Paul? Or is Paul completely normal and I'm just complaining too much about my life?