I've been writing this article for many days now. I know it's now been almost a week since Josh Dugger became a nationwide sensation after the accusations of him molesting five young girls came to light. I tried to write about this all before, but I could not face all the pain at one time. It's easier to point fingers than to admit that you were sexually assaulted while in a cult that teaches you it was your fault that you were sexually assaulted. For some of us, it's taken days just to write out the simple words: I was a victim of sexual exploration. It's something awful. It's devastating. It's life-changing. I had to write this article slowly because it is so painful. I had to write this article slowly so that my own body could process the trauma. Let me tell you my story.
Today I cried while reading articles about the Duggers. I cried because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I felt that once again my voice and the voice of many other victims was not being heard. I cried when I read the article "The Duggers are Not Hypocrites. Progressives Are." This article hurt so much because it was silencing once again the tiny voices of the Invisible Daughters who were daring to speak out. Not once did the article mention those poor girls. Not once did the article even mention that Josh Duggar’s action may have actually hurt someone or even destroyed some lives. The article called me a hypocrite because I am a "Progressive." I'm writing here today to say that I am not a hypocrite. I don't care if the Duggers are hypocrites, but I am not. I have my own story to tell and I am going to tell it to you today for the first time ever.
I met the Duggers before there were 19 kids in the family and before they were on TV. It was sometime in 2005 to 2006. Because my parent's beliefs slightly aligned with those of the Dugger's, we would interact occasionally. Back then, there was nothing impressive about them to our family. They weren't even the biggest family around at that time. Although the Duggers did follow the same teachings in childrearing as my parents, my parent's other beliefs in faith did vary from the Duggers and thus we did not meet with the Duggers very often. They were some of the "liberal" patriarchal Christians in the area. I've met the Duggers because they had similar beliefs to my parents. And it turns out my story is even closer to them than I thought.
I was a victim of sexual exploration. This is the first time I´ve ever mentioned anything about being a victim. I've never told anyone this story. I never want any of my family to find out. I never want my Dad or Mother to know. I never want my sisters to know. I never want my other brothers to know. I never want my husband to know. I never want any of my friends to know. I'm sure my brother remembers what happened but he's never mentioned it and probably never will mention it. I was very close to my older brother. I adored him. I looked up to him. We spent almost every waking hour together from early childhood. We were very close in age and most of our friends were mutual friends. Most of all, I trusted my brother. The day it happened is burned into my brain crystal clear. I couldn't believe that my beloved brother would do something to me that I knew was wrong. My world started spinning out of control that day. It only happened once. I am very thankful for that. I can only imagine what repeated incidents did to those girls.
I kept a secret journal for many years. This journal was given to me by a friend as a birthday present. I never told my Mother about the journal. Instead, I placed it in a ziplock bag and buried it in the back field of our 90 acre farm. That journal was for my deepest secrets. I still kept my everyday journal and my Mother would regularly read through that journal. However, the hidden journal was for my deepest and darkest secrets. I wrote in the secret journal the day my brother exploited me.
September 4, 2004 -- Saturday
We sewed on [Sarah's] dress today. We had fried green tomatoes today.
And the worst thing of all happened today! [Ron] and I went on a bike ride . When we came to the powerlines we stopped to drink water and rest in the shade. I think I will remember the rest. I will not go on another bike ride alone with him for awhile. I thought I was so careful. I listen to Mother. Why did he do this to me? Did I sin against God somehow?!? I'm so scared now. I try so hard to be good and it seems like it never works. Maybe I'm not actually a Christian. Maybe I'm tempting [Ron] to not be a Christian anymore
As I wrote out the dark secret, my writing became smaller and smaller as if it was even to shameful to put into full size text. That was the day I started seeing myself as an awful temptress not worthy of God's love or a husband. That day also shatter my trust in my brothers. I was always taught that my brothers were my protectors and yet I could not even protect myself from them.
Do I think that my brother did something that was wrong? Probably not. But it still affected me. I was still a victim. I will still have to deal with that for the rest of my life. I never wanted any repercussions for my brother for his actions. I never want anyone who knows us to know about the incident. I want it to stay a secret. But that still doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me. That still doesn't mean I didn't need counseling. I don't blame my brother for what happened. I'm embarrassed and ashamed, but I don't hate him.
However, I do blame my parents and the Pearls and the whole fundamental Christian homeschool movement. We had no sex education. We were never even given a book on how our own bodies worked. We never had contact with someone of the opposite sex outside of the family. We were normal, curious children. If we had been a normal family, my brother probably would have taken out his curiosity on his high school crush. Or from some magazines one of his peers managed to find. He would have had a non-destructive outlet for his curiousity. He would have a CONSENSUAL outlet for his curiousity.
Incest was a huge problem in our cult. Even at a young age, I knew that. The summer before my molestation, I listened to a tape series as a young adolescent. I don't remember that name of the tape series. I remember it was made by a woman and I think it was probably Jackie Kenaston. However, all the online searching I did could not produce that tape series. I suspect that it is no longer for sale to the general public. Most of that tape series was pretty unmemorable. Just the usual patriarchal gibberish that girls needed to dress modestly, submit to the men in their lives, and produce many babies. There was one tape that shook me though. This tape addressed incest among the church, although it never gave us that label. The teacher mentioned that there had been several cases in the church of fathers and brothers being attracted to the daughters. The teacher stated that as young girls, we needed to be extra careful to not allow that to happen in our families. She told us that we needed to always dress modestly, never talk about sex with any male family member, and always avoid dangerous situations. Less than two months after listening to that tape series, my Mother pulled me aside and told me I needed to be careful never to be alone with only one brother. She said she was bothered with how close [Ron] and I were getting and it was my responsibility to never be alone with him. Now mind you, this is the Mother that at this point had given me zero sex education. This is the Mother that at this point had given me zero education on my body or even my changing body. I did not even know the term "vagina." And yet here my Mother was telling me that it was my responsibility to never be alone with my brothers for some mysterious reason. My molestation took place the next summer.
Have I forgiven my brother? Probably. Have I forgiven the cult for my sexual abuse? Not in a million years. The Duggar girls have probably forgiven their precious brother, but that does not mean they are okay. That does not mean they are thriving. That does not mean that they are okay with what happened. It's hard when something like that happens when it's someone you love and someone you have been taught you must love for the rest of your life. The hardest part of what happened to me is to realize my brother and I were both victims of the cult. My mind cannot rationalize being angry or resentful of another victim.
The world is working so hard to silence my voice and the many other voices of the Invisible Daughters. Today, my voice is not silenced. Today, I shared my most painful story so that maybe one day some other precious daughter and her brother may both be spared the pain of such a dangerous cult.
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